Baseball Dad

When you were young,
I was too ambitious.
I wanted to be a husband, a dad and a pro.

Back then—it was hard—for you to be you,
and even harder for me to be,
the home run hitter, I was supposed to be.

So I went in swinging!

But I struck out—one, two, three,
and in the end it seemed—
like I was just chasing the ball.

I was supposed to be your role model,
but I didn’t know, which way to go,
so I ran—to try and steal home base.

I never thought that you’d get old.
I wasn’t there for you,
and cheaters never win.

The way you thought,
that I should’ve been,
is the way that you—can now pretend.

If you judge me for not being present,
the world will also blame me,
when you’re absent.

The seed doesn’t fall, too far from the tree.
Now you can show them—the shame I feel—
fouling out will make it clear.

The dugout is full of sons,
that never knew their fathers;
I can see the pain in your eyes.

If I failed to show you love,
can you forgive the past,
and let me slide?

Now that you know what’s bad—try to be good,
Don’t let the world see how I blew it,
because if you do, you’ll be like me.

“Disarm” song by: Smashing Pumpkins was the inspiration for the above poem (I have a similar story).

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who’s left alone
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

“As I recall, Billy’s childhood was not ideal and he lived in an abusive home. “Disarm you with a smile” refers to Billy’s attempt to disarm his parents’ abuse by smiling thereby keeping everyone happy and reducing the chance of conflict and violence. “I used to be a little boy. So old in my shoes” is referring to Billy having to grow up too soon which is typical in abusive homes. Children become adults long before they should have to. “The killer in me is the killer in you” refers to Billy contemplating a vicious and violent retaliation towards his parents while they slept but recognizing that the concept of violence to solve issues is what his parents have taught him through their abusive behavior. He sees that the violent thoughts he observed were only created as a result of poor parenting. If he hurt his parents, he’d continue the cycle and nothing would improve. Billy chose to break the cycle which can be seen in the lyrics “what I choose is my choice” or “what I choose is my voice.” A beautiful song despite the sad story behind it.” By: William Corgan © 1992

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of His blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance He had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—He did it to demonstrate His righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the One who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.” Bible, Romans 3:23-26