Cause:

Her heart for a long time had been frozen by her peers,
Not being able to trust, have always been her fears.
That her love was unrequited floods my own with tears.

By: Obinnex © 2022

Effect:

She’ll never change for me,
her dial is set to manipulator,
all the way through.

When she was a child,
her mama tried to nurtured her,
but her words got misconstrued.

And when her teenage peers
saw an opportunity, she cried,
because her tender heart
was forced against its will.

That’s why, I don’t confront her,
I’m afraid her icy stare
will freeze her,
all the way to the core.

I know one day she’ll betray me,
her contempt,
for having to depend on me,
is written on her wall.

But right now,
she doesn’t have anybody else,
and it would hurt me to know,
if she ended up alone.

I know she’s defrauding me,
for all she can get,
but until the next grift,
all I can do is smile back,
when she deceives herself again.

By: ElRoyPoet © 2022

Commentary: In our pursuit of meaning and purpose, setting clear goals is essential. Whether it involves overcoming childhood trauma or forgiving those who have hurt us in the past, having a defined objective can guide us toward closure. Initially, these goals may seem distant or unattainable, but as time unfolds, clarity emerges. Well-defined goals sustain us and ultimately lead to recovery.

However, it is crucial to identify the right goals, particularly when it comes to forgiveness. As human beings, we are all flawed. We make mistakes, act impulsively, and occasionally hurt others—sometimes unintentionally, and other times out of spite. This inherent imperfection means we should not be overly critical about ourselves or others. Expecting zero tolerance from others’ behaviors can set us up for disappointment and bitterness. Holding onto grudges creates barriers to our inner peace, weighing heavily on our emotions.

Forgiving others—and, just as importantly, forgiving ourselves—is not merely a Christian act of kindness for those who have wronged us; it is a necessary step toward freeing ourselves from the chains of depression. When we cling to feelings of resentment, we become vulnerable to despair and the potential for unhealthy coping mechanisms, including addiction.

In my own life, I have found a sense of contentment—what I often describe as being blessed—by moving from one goal to the next. Each achievement, each lesson learned, has contributed to my well-being. Yet, it is the act of forgiveness that has truly transformed my outlook on life. The harsh reality is that while the right goals can lead to incredible outcomes, failing to achieve them can bring about significant disappointment. On the other hand, pursuing misguided objectives—such as seeking revenge against those who have hurt us—can yield devastating consequences when accomplished, and unexpectedly liberating outcomes when they do not.

Forgiveness plays a crucial role in this journey. When we choose to let go of bitterness and resentment, we open the door to emotional healing and inner peace. It allows us to move forward, free from the weight of hate that often clouds our minds. Importantly, forgiving others does not mean condoning their actions; rather, it means recognizing our shared humanity and the fact that we all fall short at times.

If you find yourself discouraged by personal shortcomings, or if the people in your life seem to invariably let you down, remember there is a legitimate goal waiting for you to conquer it. Embrace it, and you may discover not only inner peace but also a renewed sense of purpose as you navigate this imperfect human experience.

The Danger of Self-medicating: “Cravings can repeatedly override plans and resolutions to moderate or abstain from drug use, and this can be a disruptive, frustrating, demoralizing and traumatizing experience for those who battle these cravings—an experience that for some lasts a lifetime.[…] While there are various interpretations of the exact role of dopamine, it is well established that psychoactive drugs cause artificially high bursts of phasic dopamine to be released by midbrain dopamine neurons. […] When drugs are encountered, dopamine is released in anticipation of reward, but then the drug itself—due to its chemical effects—causes an additional dopamine boost when ingested, signalling that the drug is ever increasing in value. The result, on this mainstream view, is that these boosts in dopamine trigger cravings that overestimate the amount of reward that is expected, and so explain the excessive motivational pull of cravings.[…] People who use drugs want to numb out, to feel alive, to feel accepted or socially connected, to be freed from mental or physical pain (including withdrawal symptoms), to not feel anxious, to feel included. These emotional experiences themselves can become the objects of the desires driving addiction, and drugs are a vehicle to satisfy them, at least temporarily. A craving for a cigarette can be a desire for control and order in a stressful environment. An alcohol craving can aim at feeling comforted and safe. A craving for ketamine can be a desire to feel relaxed and relieved from worries. In severe addiction, a craving might aim at a feeling of complete self-annihilation, to be freed, no matter the cost, from the painful conditions of daily life. […] Cravings are sensitive to emotional and psychological needs and values, and this helps to explain why they are so motivating. Imagine a mundane craving to check Instagram or Twitter. Built into that craving, one might also find a desire for attention, validation, social connection or interaction, a cure for loneliness, emotional numbing, maybe the self-punishing urge to compare and despair, or for what the philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau called amour-propre, a form of self-love that is constituted by the recognition or approval of others. Next time you find yourself having a craving, reflect on how you experience it. Is it your brain anticipating a spike in dopamine, a flood of pleasure? ” Excerpt from Why we crave

“Having a purpose and meaning in life is a very important coping mechanism. Whatever we do in life, whatever work we produce, however much money we make, we cannot be fully happy until we know that someone else needs us, that someone else depends on our accomplishments, or on the love that we have to share. It’s not that we need other people’s good words to keep going in life, but if we don’t do something with someone else in mind, then we’re at much higher risk for poor mental health. The famous neurologist Dr. Victor Frankel said: “For people who think there’s nothing to live for and nothing more to expect from life, the question is getting these people to realize that life is still expecting something from them.” Doing something with someone else in mind can carry you through the toughest times. You’ll know the why for your existence and will be able to bear almost any how. So the question is do you do at least one thing with someone else in mind? This could be volunteering, or it could be sharing this knowledge that you gained today with other people, especially those who need it most, and these are often the people who don’t have money for therapy, and they’re usually the ones with the highest rates of anxiety disorders. Give it to them, share with others, because it can really improve your mental health. So I would like to conclude with this: another way you can do something with someone else in mind is finishing work that might benefit future generations. Even if these people will never realize what you’ve done for them, it doesn’t matter, because you will know, and this will make you realize the uniqueness and importance of your life.” Transcript excerpt from How To Cope With Anxiety Video

“People suffering from chronic loneliness are not irretrievably locked into those feelings by nature and nurture. Studies show that cognitive therapies can be effective at reducing loneliness by training people to recognize how their behaviors and thought patterns hinder them from forming the kinds of connections they value […] Another idea is to encourage synchrony. Research shows that one key to how much people like and trust each other lies in how closely their behaviors and reactions match from moment to moment. This synchrony between individuals can be as simple as reciprocating a smile or mirroring body language during conversation.” Excerpt from How Loneliness Reshapes the Brain

“Suicide is more prevalent among single people, than couples or parents, because if you don’t have someone to love and care for; what’s the point in living?” By: B. Bondsman

“In every encounter, we either give life or we drain it; there is no neutral exchange.” By: Brennan Manning

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:13-15

How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime

Analyzing Emotional Depth: A Psychological Perspective on Two Poems

The two poems provided explore themes of emotional trauma, trust issues, and interpersonal dynamics. Through vivid imagery and poignant language, they reveal the complexities of relationships marred by past experiences. To analyze these poems, we will examine the psychological underpinnings of the sentiments expressed, utilizing concepts from attachment theory and emotional psychology.

Poem 1: The Frozen Heart (Cause)

The first poem captures the profound impact of betrayal and the inability to trust. The lines “her heart for a long time had been frozen by her peers” illuminate how social relationships can foster emotional barriers. According to attachment theory, as proposed by John Bowlby and further elaborated by Mary Ainsworth, early interactions with caregivers shape individuals’ expectations and perceptions of relationships throughout their lives. In this context, the speaker’s trust issues likely stem from past experiences where vulnerability led to hurt, resulting in a self-protective mechanism that creates emotional distance.

The phrase “not being able to trust, have always been her fears” underscores the gender dynamics at play, suggesting that previous experiences with acquaintances and relatives may have contributed to her reluctance to connect. This resonates with concepts of learned helplessness, where repeated exposure to negative experiences leads to a sense of powerlessness in establishing healthy relationships.

The closing lines, “that her love was unrequited floods my own with tears,” reflect the shared emotional weight carried by both the speaker and the subject. This experience of unreciprocated love often leads to feelings of sadness and loss, further intensifying the speaker’s empathetic response. It reinforces the idea that unresolved emotional wounds can create cycles of pain and distrust that affect not just the individual but also those around them.

Poem 2: The Manipulator (Effect)

The second poem delves deeper into the complexity of manipulative behaviors, establishing a stark contrast to the vulnerability depicted in the first poem. The speaker acknowledges the subject’s refusal to change, indicated by the line “her dial is set to manipulator.” This suggests an awareness of psychological defense mechanisms, specifically the concept of projection, where individuals deflect their insecurities onto others.

The lines “when she was a child, her mama tried to nurture her, but her words got misconstrued” touch on the significance of early childhood experiences. Miscommunication or harsh criticism during formative years can result in maladaptive coping strategies, leading individuals to manipulate others as a means of self-preservation. The interplay of nurture and environment in shaping behavior aligns with the principles of social learning theory, positing that behaviors are learned through observation and imitation.

The subsequent lines illustrate the pain of unfulfilled potential for emotional connection: “because her tender heart was forced against its will.” This evokes the fear of intimacy, where individuals may sabotage relationships rather than risk vulnerability, as noted in research by psychologists like David Schnarch. This fear often leads to a cycle of emotional manipulation, where individuals project their own fears onto others, further complicating their interpersonal relationships.

The poem concludes with a powerful sense of resignation: “I know she’s defrauding me, for all she can get, but until the next grift, all I can do is smile back.” This resignation highlights the complexities of attachment, as the speaker grapples with the duality of love and betrayal. It reflects a common psychological phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance, where conflicting beliefs lead to discomfort and an internal struggle for resolution.

Both of these poems poignantly illustrate the struggles of navigating relationships colored by past traumas. They delve into the psychological complexities surrounding trust, manipulation, and emotional protection, highlighting how past experiences shape present behaviors. By intertwining themes of attachment, learned behaviors, and emotional defenses, the poems reveal a nuanced understanding of human relationships that resonates deeply, reflecting the intricate dance between vulnerability and self-protection. Through this introspective lens, the reader gains insight into the pervasive impact of emotional scars on interpersonal dynamics, ultimately leading to a greater understanding of the fragile nature of trust and connection in human relationships.