Love versus Self Esteem

Love of self is vital;
it’s self-preservation.
However, there is a higher love:
love for another.

Those who have children know about this love,
but those who don’t often wonder why.
We were created to find someone to love—
that’s why Jesus said to love one another.

Edited by: ElRoyPoet, 2025

LOVE has NOTHING to do with RELATIONSHIPS: setting the record straight

In order to have someone to love, you need to be in a relationship

The theme of love, particularly love of self versus love for others, is deeply intertwined with both psychological principles and biblical teachings. Understanding love in this dual context can illuminate the complexity of human relationships and the essential nature of love in its various forms.

Love of Self: A Psychological Perspective

At its core, self-love is often seen as a fundamental psychological need. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, after physiological and safety needs are met, the next logical step involves love and belonging. Positive self-regard, or the love of self, contributes to self-preservation and mental well-being. When individuals recognize their own worth, they can set boundaries, foster resilience, and pursue healthy relationships.

Psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasize the importance of unconditional positive regard, both from oneself and from others. This self-acceptance not only nurtures personal growth but also lays a foundation for empathy and connection with others. When one embraces self-love, they cultivate a secure base from which to express love to others—an essential aspect of healthy interpersonal dynamics.

The Higher Love: Love for Another

While self-love is necessary, it is often argued that there exists a higher love: love for others. This altruistic love transcends individual needs and desires. The biblical call to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39) emphasizes this principle, suggesting that love for others should mirror the love one has for oneself. This creates a balance; one cannot genuinely love others without first appreciating their own inherent value.

Parental love is perhaps the most profound manifestation of this higher love. Mothers and fathers often experience a transformative emotional shift upon the birth of a child. This instinctual love leads them to prioritize the needs and well-being of their children above their own. Such unconditional love often serves as a primary example of how self-love can blossom into love for others.

The Search for Connection

As human beings, we are inherently wired to seek connection and companionship. This innate drive is supported by evolutionary psychology, which posits that forming bonds has historically helped ensure survival. The quest for intimacy and love drives individuals to form relationships, highlighting the importance of connection in our lives.

Jesus’s directive to “love one another” (John 13:34) encapsulates this understanding. It reflects not only a moral imperative but also an acknowledgment of the deep psychological need for social bonding. Jesus emphasizes the communal nature of love, teaching that caring for others can lead to spiritual fulfillment and a sense of belonging.

The Societal Impact

In a world that often prioritizes individualism, the tension between self-love and love for others can lead to ethical dilemmas and societal challenges. When individuals focus exclusively on self-preservation, relationships can suffer, leading to isolation and a disconnection from the community. Conversely, neglecting self-love in pursuit of pleasing others can lead to burnout and resentment.

The biblical call to model love after Christ’s example invites people to cultivate a balance between loving oneself and loving others. In doing so, individuals can foster healthier relationships, promote community well-being, and contribute to a society that values compassion and connection.

The exploration of love reveals its complexity and significance in human life. Love of self is crucial; it is the bedrock upon which the love for others is built. Yet, this higher love, epitomized in profound connections such as parental love and community, reflects a greater truth of our existence. As we learn to cherish ourselves, we are better equipped to open our hearts to others, fulfilling the divine call to love one another. In this mutual exchange lies the essence of our humanity, ultimately leading to a more compassionate and empathetic world.

The Crucible of Self-Love: A Psychological Perspective on Abuse, Self-Worth, and Transformation

In human relationships, the theme of self-love emerges not just as an ideal but as a vital life force that dictates the depth of our interactions and the quality of our experiences. The assertion that a lack of self-love lies at the root of many tragic situations is examined closely in psychological literature, drawing connections between self-esteem, personal boundaries, and the dynamics of emotional and abusive relationships. As the saying goes, “When we know our worth, we won’t tolerate anyone who undermines it.”

Self-Worth and Its Absence: A Cycle of Pain

To grasp why individuals often remain in abusive relationships, we must first explore the concept of self-worth. Renowned psychologist Nathaniel Branden, in his seminal work “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,” proposes that self-esteem is directly correlated with our ability to navigate life’s challenges. Without a robust sense of self-love, people find themselves caught in a cycle of negative experiences, often replaying traumatic narratives from childhood where love was conditional or absent altogether.

Consider the anecdote of a young woman, Sarah, who endured years of emotional abuse from a partner who belittled her dreams and achievements. Growing up in a household where her accomplishments were met with indifference, she projected the belief that she was unworthy of love and respect. It wasn’t until she began to confront the roots of her self-esteem issues that she realized the importance of valuing herself. Eventually, Sarah began to recognize that loving herself was not an act of arrogance, but a fundamental prerequisite for happiness.

Psychologists like Toni Bernhard, author of “How to Be Sick,” explain that self-compassion—not just self-love—can serve as a protective mechanism. It helps individuals recover from the internalized belief that they deserve abuse or neglect. This understanding can empower people to exit toxic situations.

The Unbreakable Shield of Self-Love

Once an individual nurtures self-love, profound transformations can occur. When we esteem ourselves, we wield an invisible shield, enabling us to navigate the complexities of relationships with confidence and poise. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and a leading authority on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, articulates that “daring greatly” involves embracing vulnerability, but it is grounded in the recognition of self-worth.

Imagine a man named Bill who spent years avoiding conflict, afraid to express his needs in relationships. He was caught in a cycle of pleasing others out of fear of abandonment. However, through introspection and the development of self-love, Bill discovered that he could stand firmly for his own desires without incurring any loss of love from those who truly mattered. This newfound self-love shifted his paradigm: he no longer viewed vulnerability as a weakness, but as an authentic way to connect with others. He started setting boundaries that, while uncomfortable at first, ultimately led to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Breaking the Cycle for Future Generations

The tragedy of low self-esteem often extends beyond the individual, as it can perpetuate harmful cycles in familial relationships. Child development research indicates that children thrive in environments where they feel seen and valued. The importance of acknowledging and celebrating children’s accomplishments cannot be overstated because neglect in this regard can lead them to internalize a narrative of unworthiness that hampers their ability to forge healthy relationships in adulthood.

An essential corollary is the responsibility of caregivers. According to developmental psychologist John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, the bonds formed in childhood shape emotional and relational outcomes in adulthood. Parents must strive to foster self-esteem in their children—not merely through words of affirmation but through consistent, meaningful engagement. Celebrating even small milestones can shift a child’s internal dialogue from one of doubt to one of confidence.

Creating a Future of High Standards and Healthy Relationships

The conclusion, then, is not merely to advocate for self-love but to highlight its transformative potential both for individuals and society. A culture that nurtures self-love fosters communities where individuals expect and promote healthy interactions, thereby raising collective standards. As the saying goes, show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.

The Call to Self-Discovery

Ultimately, the journey toward self-love is an act of rebellion against the societal norms that often devalue our worth. To love ourselves is not only to care for our own well-being but also to establish a baseline for how we allow others to treat us. By valuing who we are, we reject the idea that we must endure suffering or accept negative treatment from others. To those who feel trapped within such circumstances, I offer a message of hope: the capacity for self-love lies within each of us. Recognizing this truth is the first step in a transformative journey—a journey toward reclaiming not just our lives but our inherent worth as human beings deserving of love, respect, and above all, peace.

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18

“I know exactly why a person can stay in such terrible situation without reacting. Because he/she doesn’t love himself/herself enough. Because he/she doesn’t think he/she deserves better. Because he/she doesn’t value himself/herself. A lack of self-love is at the root of most of the tragic situations in our lives. And as long as this self-love is not fixed. We’ll only be able to attract terrible situations and people. Because we’re vibrating on levels far too low to attract anything good. We have to stop thinking that situations are complicated. That sometimes people hurt each other even when they love each other. Of course that’s true. It happens. And the person who hurt you, IF HE/SHE LOVES YOU, realizes it. And apologizes, with a REAL apology, trying to correct his or her behavior. BUT NO ONE HURTS SOMEONE THEY LOVE ON PURPOSE. Print that in your brain. Real, true love is devoid of any notion of wanting to hurt the person you love. It’s all about positive feelings and building a healthy environment for the person you love. Set high standards for those who have the right to be in your private circles. Too often, we forget that we’re just the average of those who hang out with us the most. We really are the average of those we spend time with. Let the worst be around you: live the worst. Allow only the best around you: live the best. These life equations are so simple.” Excerpts from: Self-Love Is the Shield Standing Between You and the World

“In every encounter, we either give life or we drain it; there is no neutral exchange.” By: Brennan Manning

“When there are rules without a relationship, resentment arises. When there is a relationship without rules, rebellion often follows. However, when there are rules within a relationship, there you will find contentment.” By: Dr. Henry Cloud

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

“Beware of those who weep with realization, for they have realized nothing.” By: Carlos Casteñeda