Watch Your Words

If I don’t mind my thoughts,
They’ll get a mind of their own.

If you dare push my buttons,
I’m gonna’ push back—harder.

I’m like a volcano,
I can only hold it in—so long.

When I was a teenager,
I’d get my feelings hurt.

When I finally grew up,
I was finally at peace.

But now that I’m so old,
I get triggered so easily.

Because my emotions,
Have built up too much steam.

So please mind your manners,
With the old folks,

‘Cause you can never tell,
When we’re gonna’ blow it!

Jumping to conclusions

When judgments are made in a rush,
We often stumble and then blush.
Understanding’s the key,
To set our hearts free—
And turn our anger into hush.

Prompt: When you perceive that someone is insulting you or saying something offensive, do you become upset because of what you have heard or read? Before anyone opens their mouth or types anything on social media, they must have thought about it first. In reality, the reason you become upset is not solely because of what was said; it is often because of your interpretation of another person’s thoughts. When you say, “How dare they say that,” what you really mean is, “How dare they have such a low opinion of me (or someone I care about).”

If you unfriend someone because of what you perceive they are thinking, it reflects a judgment that your thoughts are somehow more valid or ‘holier’ than theirs. And if you suspect that their thoughts are malicious or evil, you may want to disassociate yourself from them. This is unfair because you have no idea what experiences they have gone through to arrive at their current state of mind. In their life, they might have experienced happiness or endured hardships. Those experiences have shaped their thoughts, and sadly, they might still be struggling with some of them—especially considering the recent interactions they’ve had with you.

My extroverted dad once told me: “When I was younger, I could make friends easily. However, as time went by, people would see something in me they disliked, or I would discover something about them that I didn’t care for (because I would subconsciously profile them). Eventually, every time I met someone new, it would always come down to the same conclusion.” In the end, he realized that when someone unfriends you, it’s usually because they have given up trying to get you to validate them or because they no longer feel appreciated.

The Power of Positive Words

See Power of Positive Words Experiment video

“I’ve come to know that we need not be offended, that one of the most important signs of spiritual growth is a refusal to take offense. We need not be angry or bitter or insulted. We need not make our brother or sister an offender for a word. It really is not too difficult to look at a person’s heart, to try to understand what he meant to do, rather than what he did, or what she meant to say, rather than what she said. Sometimes this entails simply looking the other way and assuming the best. Sometimes it requires forgiveness. Gordon B. Hinckley pointed out that there is no virtue more needed in our day than forgiving and forgetting. “There are those who would look upon this is a sign of weakness. Is it? I submit that it takes neither strength nor intelligence to brood in anger over wrongs suffered, to go through life with a spirit of vindictiveness, to dissipate one’s abilities in planning retribution. There’s no peace in the nursing of a grudge.” To strive earnestly not to offend is a Christian virtue, to strive honestly not to take offense is a Christian virtue at least as important. We need both desperately.” Excerpt from Men of God by: Robert L. Millet

“I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.” By: Gordon B. Hinckley

What to do when someone goes on the defensive

“Rejecting ideals is a fair first amendment right, but purposely using language that is seen as outdated and offensive towards already marginalized groups is socially not appropriate. Professionalism is important and standards exist equally amongst all sides, and these standards exist for a reason. Political correctness, when referring to everyday language, is expected because it ties in, at its root, with maturity.
What makes it so difficult for people to refuse adhering to basic respect, which is now categorized as political correctness? If the majority of one’s environment is not using racial slurs, ableist language and generally offensive language, that speaks volumes about the extent of maturity one may obtain.”
Excerpt from Opinion: Don’t engage in anti-PC culture

Perception, Interpretation, and Emotional Response: Understanding Why We Get Upset When We Feel Insulted

When we perceive that someone is insulting us or saying something offensive, our emotional response is often intense. But is our upset primarily caused by the words or actions themselves, or by how we interpret them? Before anyone opens their mouth or types anything on social media, they usually think about what they want to say. This suggests that our reactions are often rooted not in the intent behind the words, but in our perception of the other person’s thoughts and motives.

The Role of Cognitive Appraisal

Psychologist Richard Lazarus’s theory of cognitive appraisal explains that our emotional reactions depend largely on how we interpret a situation. Lazarus (1991) proposed that individuals evaluate events based on their significance to their well-being, which then triggers specific emotional responses. When we interpret a comment or action as threatening or insulting, our emotional response—anger, hurt, or resentment—is activated. Importantly, this reaction is based on our perception of the other person’s thoughts and intentions, not necessarily their actual intentions.

Projection and Assumptions

A common psychological process at play is projection, where individuals attribute their own feelings or thoughts onto others. If we feel insecure or threatened, we might assume others harbor negative thoughts about us, even if that isn’t true. This is supported by the work of Carl Jung, who described projection as a defense mechanism to avoid confronting uncomfortable aspects of ourselves. When we believe someone thinks poorly of us, we often react defensively or lash out, believing we are justified in our feelings.

Judgment and Moral Superiority

When we say, “How dare they say that,” we are expressing a moral judgment—implying that their thoughts or words are unacceptable. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt (2008) explains that moral outrage often stems from perceived violations of social norms, which are deeply rooted in our moral emotions. However, this outrage often reflects our own standards and judgments rather than the actual intent of the other person.

Unfriending and Social Judgments

Unfriending someone on social media is a form of social judgment. It often indicates a desire to distance oneself emotionally or socially because of perceived disrespect or lack of appreciation. According to social psychologist Roy Baumeister (2005), social exclusion and rejection are fundamental human needs, and when these are threatened, individuals may react by withdrawing or cutting ties. This act is often based on assumptions about the other person’s thoughts or intentions, which may be inaccurate.

Empathy and the Unknown Path

It’s important to recognize that we rarely have access to others’ internal experiences. Each person’s thoughts and feelings are shaped by their unique history, including happiness, hardships, and unresolved struggles. Psychologist Daniel Goleman (1995) emphasizes the importance of empathy—the capacity to understand and share the feelings of another—as a way to counteract misjudgments. Recognizing that others’ behaviors are influenced by their internal struggles can foster compassion and reduce biased judgments.

The Impact of Past Experiences

Our reactions are also influenced by past experiences. For example, my father’s reflection about making friends and feeling misunderstood highlights how early social experiences shape our expectations and responses. According to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969), early interactions with caregivers influence our social expectations and how we interpret others’ actions later in life. If someone has experienced rejection or betrayal, they may be more prone to interpret neutral comments as hostile.

Why People Unfriend or Distance Themselves

My father’s insight—that people often unfriended him because they felt unacknowledged or unappreciated—aligns with research on social rejection. Williams (2007) describes social rejection as a painful experience that activates similar brain regions involved in physical pain. People may withdraw from relationships as a defense mechanism or because they feel their efforts are no longer reciprocated, which is a natural response when they perceive their emotional needs are unmet.

To summarize, our emotional reactions to perceived insults are complex and deeply rooted in our cognitive and emotional processes. Often, we are reacting not to the actual words or actions but to our interpretations of others’ thoughts and motives. Understanding this can help us develop greater empathy and reduce unnecessary conflicts. Recognizing that others’ behaviors are shaped by their unique life experiences, and that our judgments are often projections, can foster compassion and healthier social interactions.

References:

Baumeister, R. F. (2005). The Psychology of Social Exclusion. In J. P. Forgas, & J. W. Eastwood (Eds.), Social Psychology: Handbook of Basic Principles (pp. 333–351). Guilford Press.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation. Oxford University Press.
Williams, K. D. (2007). Ostracism. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 425–452.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Haidt, J. (2008). The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion. Pantheon Books.
Jung, C. G. (1964). Psychological Types. Princeton University Press.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence.